Resilience - Living with a Disability

You wouldn’t know that I had a disability by looking at me and I initially struggled immensely to define myself in this way. It was hard enough to come to terms with my physical limitations and naming it “a disability” was another hurdle. Even when I begrudgingly accepted the label for myself, I felt ashamed to say it out loud as I perceived that my situation was not as bad as others. I felt guilty and disrespectful as I am fortunate enough to have all of my limbs, senses and am in good health generally.

Eventually, I recognised that this wasn’t helpful though. In the same way, you can’t negate feeling sad because you haven’t gone through something as traumatic or “bad” as someone else, it’s equally true for my disability. And, of course, the feelings don’t actually go away because you ask them to - they just build-up for another day causing other issues! So ignoring my situation and feelings won’t actually help somebody else with what I perceive as a greater disability but does affect me negatively by hindering my progress.

So why do I have a disability? In my early 20s, a year into my graduate job, I developed repetitive strain injury (RSI), or upper limb disorder as it’s sometimes called. I’ve never really fully understood what happened to me but my understanding is that due to overworking at the computer, I’ve damaged the nerves in my arms. As a result, I can’t use a keyboard, I’m limited with the amount of writing I can do - maximum of several lines a day. Chopping vegetables, cleaning, lifting anything heavy, decorating, gardening, and anything repetitive can all create pain and discomfort.

If I overdo any of the above, it triggers a chronic phase. This means moving from discomfort to pain as well as increased limitations. My hands and sometimes arms, can begin to swell, I experience a numb, dull or tingling pain, the temperature in my hands becomes affected, I have difficulty sleeping as it’s hard to get comfortable and, it’s almost impossible to do any of the already limited tasks described above at all. I become even more reliant than I am already in asking others to do things for me which I find particularly hard. I can feel low, sad, despair, hopeless and frustrated with myself for letting it happen again. One of the hardest thing is coping with the uncertainty of how long each chronic phase will last - sometimes it’s only weeks and other times it can be months. I also never know how I will be once I come out of it, as there is often a deterioration of my “normal” capabilities after a chronic phase.

I initially remained in the same career for the first 10 years of managing this condition. I learned to use a voice-activated computer, worked on my posture and tried not to overwork. I managed to progress in line with my peers and do well in my career. One day though, I recognised I couldn’t continue in the same work as my condition was worsening. I moved back to my home city, retrained as a counsellor and worked hard to improve my health. I learned the importance of being in balance with my physical body and emotions, learned to truly practice self-care and awakened my spiritual side. What started as one of the most difficult and arduous experiences of my life became the catalyst for a hugely positive, enriching and fulfilling transformation. Below are the principles that helped me through this:

Feel and Find an Outlet for the Emotion

It’s hard to acknowledge your feelings when you just want them and the situation to go away. It’s natural to go through a period of denial and hope that things just get better. Exploring every possible option to improve the situation. Phases of different emotions - frustration at why it’s happened and what might be to blame. Sadness at the loss of what you had previously and expected to continue having. Worrying about what the future may hold and how you will cope. Each phase brings much to navigate and finding healthy outlets instead of repressing your feelings, can help the process. Talk to people you care about, find some exercise that feels beneficial, allow the tears, rant, write or draw, watch a movie that will make you cry if you’re finding hard to do it yourself. Ask for help and seek professional support if you need help to work through this.

Learn to Go With the Flow of Life

We naturally have expectations about happiness, success, how life should be. When life doesn’t go to plan, it can create a significant knock. Why is this happening? What have I done wrong? The reality is that life is full of ups and downs and it’s impossible to control or prevent this. Learning to accept the reality of life can help you to move through the situation more easily (not easy though) as you don’t give yourself such a hard time or resist the process.

Remember, Thoughts and Judgements are Loaded With Assumptions

It’s understandable to find it difficult to see beyond your current career, hobby, relationship or whatever is affected but remember that different isn’t necessarily bad. It might be hard to imagine happiness or success in a different way but that doesn’t mean it’s not possible. So whilst your thoughts and judgements feel true in the moment, it doesn’t guarantee they are.

Find the Hidden Blessings and Lessons to Learn

Looking back at my situation (of course with the benefit of hindsight) I feel immensely grateful for my difficult experience. Not only has it put me on a much happier and healthier path, it’s helped me find a completely different career and fulfill a different potential to what I was expecting. I’m much happier and healthier in myself than I ever was and I wouldn’t swap my situation for anything. Yes I would love to have full use of my arms but I know that what it’s taught me/helps me with is part of a much bigger story. I’m grateful now for my experience although it’s important to note I wasn’t at the time. Equally, I still go through difficult periods now but I can see and remind myself that it has positive and helpful side-effects. This perspective has been immensely beneficial. For some situations, it may be hard to see a hidden blessing so focus on what you’ve strengthened in yourself such as building resilience, connecting with emotions or recognising the importance of living in the moment.

Find New Ways to Fulfil Your Goals

Or to create new goals that you hadn’t previously thought of. I thought that my career and happiness was over when I first experienced my symptoms. I faced every possible difficult emotion possible and found it incredibly difficult to imagine anything positive. But whilst a certain direction of my life is no longer, many other avenues have opened up. This can be hard to accept initially, but try to keep an open mind, find new ways to fulfil your dreams and be open to new possibilities. Talk to people who care about you if you need help to do so. Also give yourself time if you’re not feeling this yet as you may have other layers to process first. It might also be helpful to channel what you’ve experienced into a new legacy, opportunity or something that would make you or a significant other proud.

Allow Yourself Time to Go Through This

It’s very much a process. It’s hard to experience any benefits or positive emotions if you haven’t worked through the more difficult parts first. Be patient, practice even more self-care and self-compassion than normal including exercise, find outlets for your emotion, try to give yourself quality rest and nutrition and seek support from friends and family. Find and research perspectives, options and ways to make sense of what you’re going through that helps you to feel more positive and resonates with your belief system.

You can find out more about how to build happiness, self-acceptance, self-compassion, meditation and mindfulness in Being Human - The Path to Self-Acceptance, Resilience and Happiness. Being human is written from the heart with a positive and compassionate message, encouraging awareness, responsibility and self-empowerment.

“This is probably the most helpful book I have ever experienced” “this book feels like it is written with real love, authenticity and experience” “a wonderful and much-needed book.”

Find out more about my story as well as lots of information on how to build more happiness, self-confidence and resilience, improve your relationships as well as managing and preventing mental health symptoms. The book is written from the heart with a positive and compassionate message, encouraging awareness, responsibility and self-empowerment. It’s full of examples, explanations, exercises and also provides free access to 12 accompanying meditations.