Tips to Improve Your Relationships
Whether you’re wanting to bring more joy or peace to your relationship with friends, family, a significant other or yourself, try some of these tips:
Have a range of people in your life to increase your chances of happiness, support and connection as no one person can meet all of your needs. Also, if you face difficulty with any person or group, you’re less likely to take it personally as you have other options. Create a network of people with different strengths i.e. a shoulder to cry on, someone to challenge you, someone that makes you laugh, someone who shares your same interests/hobbies, somebody who is not afraid to be honest.
Create a positive cycle by telling others what you value about them and what you’re grateful for. Not only will they feel more appreciated, but it will also help you notice positive things around you. They may even start to do the same.
Invest in quality time for yourself and all of your relationships. Plan regularly: something fun, relaxing, exciting/not done before. Then savour the moment by participating fully in the activity by focusing on your senses, listen attentively and make the most of the experience.
In communication, try stating the intention upfront to help prevent misunderstanding and also minimise the potential to cause defence/escalation of the situation e.g. I'm happy with our relationship but want to discuss something that might help us strengthen this further.
When giving feedback, differentiate between behaviour and identity. I.e. when you do X, it makes me feel annoyed rather than "you're so annoying." As a recipient, interpret in a similar way. We are all selfish, kind, thoughtful, thoughtless from time to time -it’s your behaviour not a reflection of who you are!
Recognise there are 2 parts to any relationship dynamic. If there is an issue, what part do you contribute to this? How does that impact on the other person and vice versa? Being able to work through both sides can help you to have stronger and healthier relationships as both sides get heard rather than apportioning blame to one person.
Notice and work on your stories. E.g. if you believe you're not good enough, you’re likely to look for evidence of this in all of your relationships. Work on this by challenging the evidence and assumptions as well as working on the stories you would like to have. How might this change how you feel about yourself and your relationships?
We all naturally vent our frustrations at the people we most care about, but this should not be too frequent or exclusive. Find an alternative outlet such as exercise, DIY, gardening, writing, drawing et cetera or seek professional support.
Invest in your internal happiness rather than seeking it externally from your relationships. The more you feel happier and connected to yourself, the better your relationships. Find out what makes you happy, invest time in your passions and interests, work on building your confidence and being comfortable with time alone. I.e. meditation, reading, walking, self-reflection.
Remind yourself that no relationship is happy all of the time and that difficulties happen in every relationship. It’s not something to berate yourself for. Difficulties present an opportunity to learn something about yourself as well as providing an opportunity to either strengthen the relationship or help you to move on to something more suitable. As the saying goes, people come into your life for a reason, season or lifetime. Remember that no individual is attractive or likeable to everyone - we are naturally compatible and attractive with/to some individuals and not others. And this is true for everyone no matter how likeable or attractive they may seem.
Managing Conflict Where There Are Strong Beliefs and Opinions
Differences of opinion can be highly emotive bringing up strong views and emotions. Like any important decision, what’s right for one person might not be right for another. In an ideal world, we would all respect that everyone has a right to their own decision and ideally, we would support everyone to make their own choice even if that goes against the decision you have chosen for yourself. Not at all easy if you are affected by the decision. We also naturally feel good about our own choices when others reinforce them.
It’s important to remember that we don’t have the same information that somebody else has. Each human being has their own thoughts, emotions, belief systems, the lens that they see the world through, the stories they tell themselves and how they make sense of the world. Even reading the same data or expert advice will bring up different responses as a result. There's a difference between discernment and judgement. Discernment is knowing that you would not do the same action/choice/words as another, but we can't truly judge another unless we are walking in their shoes. Some tips to manage this are:
If you have a strong reaction, it’s because the situation is triggering something for you. It shows that the situation is important or that you care about the people or consequences connected. Identifying the trigger - what is upsetting you? What are you afraid of? Do you feel threatened or ignored? Acknowledging your feelings can help you understand more about the situation. Try to find a healthy outlet for your emotions and try to separate out what is yours rather than projecting onto the person in conflict.
Try to communicate from a more neutral place. If you have an outlet for your emotion this will be much easier otherwise the conversation can become easily heated and escalated. If this happens during the conversation, take time out to pause and come back to the conversation when all parties are calmer. Try to separate out behaviour from identity e.g. that behaviour comes across as selfish to me rather than you are selfish.
Set the intention for any conversation to help set the tone and minimise misunderstanding. E.g. our relationship is important to me, but I need to share something I am concerned about. Consider the boundaries: who has ultimate responsibility for any decision, does everybody have the option to share their point of view without being interrupted, do you take time out if it becomes heated etc. Consider all of the options available to you and the pros and cons of each. Are there shades of grey in between the 2 points of view? If this is difficult, you may benefit from a mediator. Is there someone who could objectively and compassionately support you with this?
Make sure you have support to help you make sense of your feelings and explore options. It can be a long process so kindness to yourself and from others is a good investment. Try not to jump to any conclusions. It may feel stormy right now, but it doesn’t mean that it always will be and maybe there are some hidden blessings from the storm. - Good luck!
For more tips and information, there are 2 dedicated chapters on understanding and improving relationships in Being Human- the path to self-acceptance, resilience and happiness. You will also find chapters on learning to go with the flow of life, understanding and working with your emotions, understanding the stories that play out in your life and how to have happier endings, tips to prevent and manage depression and anxiety, tips on building self-esteem, a path to self-love, building resilience and much more.