Supporting Loved Ones Through Difficult Times
Watching someone you care about go through something challenging can be extremely hard. I'm speaking from the perspective of watching one of my children coping with something that has affected them for nearly 2 years, but what I'm going to share is equally applicable to watching anyone you love and care about. Whether it's one of your children, your partner, friend or family member coping with an illness, difficult time at work or school or experiencing relationship challenges it can be painful to witness.
In my personal case, I've almost found it harder than going through something myself. It's hard watching someone you care about suffer and it's challenging when you perceive you know what might help them, but they struggle to accept or even hear your suggestions. When it's been going on for a long time, the situation can take its toll and so I'm hoping my own learnings of going through this will be helpful to others.
Find a healthy outlet for your own stuff.
it's hard to be there for someone when you are full of fear, sadness or frustration and so finding time to work through the inevitable emotions that are coming up for you is important. Doing this as often as you can, helps you to be more neutral in interactions with the person affected otherwise they pick up on your emotions which can add to or confuse the situation. Then you can be fully present and calm which leaves them time to work through what’s coming up for them.
Working through your assumptions and expectations is a big part of working on your stuff.
Letting go of what you imagine should be happening or what you think other people are experiencing. Remember that our perception of what other people are going through is not always the truth. Does everybody know what you’re experiencing!? There may be a process of grieving what you expected or wish you were experiencing. Try to come to peace with the idea that if you’d done X or Y, the situation may be different. It’s impossible to know this. I’ve also found it helpful to believe that it’s part of a greater plan unfolding and that I cannot change someone else’s journey - I can’t stop things happening but I can help support the process. This also helps let go of the idea that other people would have done it better as remember we are all different and have different opportunities to grow. How much is your perception of judgement from others as remember you're most likely to be the harshest judge of yourself?
Acceptance
it's natural to want to solve something and make it go away but the reality is that resistance only adds layers on top of what you are already facing i.e. frustration, powerlessness, fear, self-criticism et cetera. Working through your emotions and expectations is a big part of this process. It's impossible to heal anything that you're struggling to accept. Notice how much some of what you are going through is related to imagining the situation is always going to be like this - remind yourself to stay present as there are many options for the future and your thoughts won't necessarily come to pass. No situation is permanent as even if the situation itself remains, working through your feelings and perspectives helps you to find acceptance and feel differently about the situation. From a place of acceptance, you stop focusing on the problem (which can reinforce the situation) and instead are more receptive and open to new ways forward.
One of the things that can be particularly hard to accept is when you perceive your loved one is not taking steps forward to help themselves. As a counsellor I found this particularly frustrating as I imagined I would be ideally placed to help - I’ve had to remind myself that I’m a mum, friend, partner and that it’s irrelevant I’m a counsellor as everyone has wisdom and perspective with positive intentions to try to help. Remembering that it’s easier to have perspective from the outside and instead focus on trusting that they will find their own way through in their own time. When you let go of trying to shift someone else, they are more likely to take steps forward themselves!
Focus as much energy as possible on sending positive and calm energy to the situation.
It makes a big difference to send energy to what you want rather than what you don’t want. If you catch yourself thinking I’ve got a rubbish relationship with X, notice how you ruminate on how to fix that, collect evidence to support the belief and how your actions reinforce this e.g. your communication is more likely to be snappy or abrupt. If instead, you turn the thought into what you want and send positive energy to that i.e. I have a good relationship with X and I’m growing towards a stronger relationship. This helps you to communicate more calmly and confidently as if you do have a good relationship and then you start to notice more positive evidence that reinforces this.
Other things that can help are focusing on what the situation might be strengthening in you and your loved ones i.e. trust, patience. Remember that our most difficult situations in life help make us stronger, grow or change direction. Trust that all is unfolding in the perfect way. Being calm can also help you to be more in touch with your intuition so that you can follow any inner wisdom to move forwards and sending positive energy to the other person may help them feel more empowered to take action themselves. Ultimately learning to do it themselves will be the most valuable part of the lesson.
Surround yourself with support and up your levels of self-care.
When you are going through difficult times, you need more self-care than normal so take time out of your diary, re-prioritise or delegate tasks and seek support from those around you. It may also be appropriate to seek professional support if you feel you need it.
Please know that you are not alone and be patient.
I don’t know many people (both professionally and personally) who are not going through challenging times right now so even if appearances suggest otherwise, know it’s not just you. Remember it can take time to work through situations and it's a delicate balance between healing what's coming up and focusing on what you want. Ultimately if you are still in it, it's not because there's something wrong and you haven't fixed it, it's because there is still something important to learn within the process! Remind yourself that it's not being done to you but for you.
