The Power of Your Emotions

To Help or Hinder Your Happiness & How to Influence This Positively

In this month's blog, I'm sharing a personal story about how it's easy to dismiss our emotions as not valid or appropriate for many different reasons. Whilst this might make sense at the time, unfortunately, it can have adverse side effects which make the emotion harder to deal with in the long run and can be part of the reason people seek counselling support. In sharing my story, I'm hoping it will help you trust more in your own feelings and have more confidence with working with them.

My Appointment

Several years ago, I was referred to the breast clinic at my local hospital to review a lump that suddenly had appeared. The nurse at my GP surgery thought it was likely to be a cyst but in accordance with NHS guidelines, arranged the appointment. I felt surprisingly calm during the wait for my appointment and was immediately reassured by the consultant that there was nothing likely to be of concern. I was booked in for a scan the following week which confirmed this.

Imagine then, my surprise at feeling sad and angry instead of the relief and happiness I expected. And I didn't just feel a little bit sad and angry - it was a strong and intense feeling that couldn't be ignored. I started to say to myself that it was a ridiculous reaction. It made no sense. I should be grateful for good news. I was quite critical with myself and felt embarrassed, imagining other people would find it strange or consider me ungrateful.

The Impact of Ignoring So-Called "Negative" Emotions

I had to remind myself of the work I do as a counsellor and how easy it is to dismiss our emotions as they don't make sense or we judge that our situation is not as serious as someone else's. Many people struggle with feeling so-called "negative" emotions for many reasons: a fear of what might happen if you feel them, fear of the unknown, fear of judgement, not feeling it's acceptable to have feelings or from an over identification with the mental mind. Many people want to know why they feel a particular emotion or how long it’s going to last before allowing it. The result is that the emotions are repressed and dismissed.

As you don't feel them, you hope they've gone away but the reality is that they are stored within the body and can surface unexpectedly and inconveniently. You may experience an outburst of tears or anger when triggered or feel a more constant energy sapping numbness that can veer towards low mood or anxiety. So, the attempt at "controlling" the emotion by ignoring it has the opposite effect. This results in further pushing down of emotions creating a cycle. At some point, this becomes no longer viable or possible and can lead people to seek counselling or support as it becomes hard to make sense of what they're feeling and the coping strategies they use are no longer effective.

Emotions Can Be a Helpful Guide

My experience as a counsellor has taught me that if we can move beyond our resistance to explore our emotions, they can be a helpful guide towards more happiness and success in life. I wholeheartedly believe in practicing what I preach and so instead of ignoring my sadness and anger that made no sense after my appointment, I allowed myself to acknowledge my feelings.

I started with the sadness and found a place where I felt safe to cry. Whilst the judgements kept coming, I thanked them and continued to allow the tears. After some time, some family members and friends came to mind. I realised I was grieving for members of my family and friends who’d either undergone cancer treatment or who’d actually died as a result of cancer.

Interestingly, the timing of each of these individuals coincided with when I had a very young family and was unable to properly process these events. Inevitably, I had repressed this emotion and my own cancer scare whilst positive for me, was triggering this grief to be released. Once I had acknowledged and allowed it, it didn’t take long before I felt something had shifted.

Potential to Deepen Your Understanding of Yourself

Once I’d given space for my sadness and grief, I then allowed the anger. Again, I gave myself space to just feel it in my body. It needed more than crying so I allowed myself to be guided by my body. I kicked my legs against the bed and allowed myself to express with words what I was feeling. This also came with a memory of something else unprocessed from the past which was unrelated to the grief. After a short time of doing this, I felt a shift in how I felt -much lighter and calmer. I also felt a deepening of my understanding of myself as well as more acceptance.

Remind Yourself You Are Human

Acknowledging emotions and finding healthy ways to express them creates space for more happiness as well as helping you to understand yourself more easing the process of decision-making and managing change. Reminding yourself you are human, that every human has emotions, that in processing emotions you are letting go of something from the past which can help you in positive ways, can help you to be more compassionate with allowing your feelings. It took little time for me to feel a shift as I am familiar with my emotions and confident in the process but If you have any fear or barriers to allowing emotion, you might wish to speak with a friend or seek support from a counsellor. You can also read more about emotions in chapter 3 of my book, Being Human - the path to self-acceptance, resilience and happiness.